Friday, March 23, 2018

I don't know!!!!!

Having spent almost 25 years on this rotating sphere, I often question the point of it all. While reading a study on how humans are hardwired to respect authority, even when they know they are doing harm, the whole concept of "free will" seemed moot. What do we gain? What is gain? Isn't this all just chaos?

Here I am spending my evenings working on a chunk of code that will enable some person somewhere to drive to work and back. He would be enabling some other pointless activity by his work and this chain has no apparent end or reason.

Yet, what do 7 billion people do if not work? What is work? What is life? 

Saturday, November 25, 2017

I need my desk

Since, as long as I can remeber, I have had a desk. First, it was red plastic table with a matching red chair. Then as I grew out of that, it was an ironing board which doubled up as my table. Finally I got a wooden table with a wooden chair. For the past 10 years, that was my (0,0,0,x) position for x>=16 hours a day. I imagined, I learned and I slaved at that place. I used to complain about the little imperfections that made up my desk. The sharp edge sometimes scratched my hand; the lack of a drawer annoyed me. Furthermore, I sometimes detested the outmoded styling of it. It looks like something out a 60's movie.However, no matter how much I complain, that is my ground zero. That was my place.

Now that I am in a place far away from home, away from my desk, I realize the void it has left. I miss the stack of books I kept on the left and my little wooden pen stand which had drawings of tigers and other animals of Corbett National Park. I miss the etchings I made when I felt like my world was collapsing.

These days I do have a desk at work but I don't think I'll ever feel that connection with it. I miss my desk because despite it's imperfections it was perfect for me.

Saturday, November 18, 2017


I don't know where this is headed. This world, this life, and this girl. At this point, where nothing is wrong, yet everything somehow feels terribly wrong, I am just grappling for some sanity. At the end of the day, we are all alone. Loneliness is a part of existing. I don't fear or fight it. However, I do feel there must be a break from it. A real break, and not just a temporary fix of surrounding oneself with people. It is not even a fix and more of an exacerbation of the issue because then one realizes that one has become more lonely. How do you find the escape? Is there an escape from all this?

If you are reading this, I'd like to apologize to you. For some time now, I have not been able to form a coherent thought. I've been writing these chaotic "diary entries" of sort and I don't know why. I guess they are my release. If they leave you feeling equally perturbed, I suggest you ignore them or write your own. 

I am sorry once again.

Do share your thoughts with me. Thanks. 

Friday, August 18, 2017


I'm a loner. Yes, I am. I don't hate people but I feel the need to be alone after too much company. However, for the past few weeks I feel this deep sense of loneliness that I find undescribable. I'm surrounded by people around the clock, but I know they are not "my people". They are just people. I know that they have their own world filled with complexities but just this lack of any support is a haunting sensation.

Desperately trying to grasp some support but afraid of asking too much or asking the wrong person. Doesn't help that I'm an introverted reserved asocial book nerd.

Friday, July 28, 2017

First Step into Adulthood

Adulthood, the state when one is fully grown and mature. Some reach it faster than others and some never at all. I am beginning my journey into adulthood this week. Freshly out of college, I embark on this trip where I don't know what the final destination is but I do hope the journey will be worth it.

I am a person who has never been really away from home for more than a day or two. I don't know what it is like to exist by oneself far away from one's family. I usually consider myself an independent person, but now I realize what true independence actually is. It comes with a lot of responsibilities. This past week I was out shopping and for the first time, it hit me how much stuff a person needs just to exist. From combs to shoes, from utensils to damn clips for clothes, it is a massive pile of crap. Useful crap. Shopping is not really something I enjoy and I always put it on my beloved family to shop for me, but that isn't going to be possible anymore.

These are small things. Big things like having no one on your side in a completely different city with a completely different culture are much more difficult to tackle. They don't hit you all at once, the realization comes in small seemingly insignificant instances. For example, I was haggling with an electric rickshaw driver a few days back and I realized where I am going there won't be any such transport. Where I am going, people won't be able to understand my native language. The things I love the most like my books, I'll be leaving them behind.

However, it is not all bad. The new land is giving me an opportunity for which I have worked for all these years. The opportunity to establish myself, find my footing and the ability to shoulder the burden that is existence. It opens doors to a new life and a new more responsible me.

Hopefully, I'll be able to keep myself together and face this world with grace and dignity. Grace might not be possible at all times, but dignity is non-negotiable.

Friday, July 7, 2017

The Chaos that is My Life

I feel like right now I'm in a vortex. Everything is happening all at once and I-+-'m gasping for a peaceful breath. I have to move out of my parent's house for the first time because of a job. College is ending and a lot of submissions are remaining there as well. I have no real friends to speak of and no one to share my feelings with so I'm writing this.

I have worked hard at the project I am going to submit, but it just doesn't feel good enough to me. People who did absolutely nothing in theirs are confident that their project is worth publishing in International journals.

I leave behind the place I've called home for the last 17 years. I'll miss my trees and my room. My table, the center of my world for the last 15 years will also be left behind.

The job I have got, if you believe the news, will no longer be valid after 5 to 10 years. I have no mentors either. In my family, most are self-employed and I have no idea how the employed life works. I still don't fully understand my compensation package. I am scared to death that I will say something terrible or my skills won't enough for this job. I live in the fear of failure. I need a mentor/guide to tell me what to do and how to work, but there is no one.

I know life is not fair always, but I am wallowing quietly in self pity. I will be okay soon. Thanks for reading and if you have any advice for me, do leave me a comment.

Rant off